PPD is not easy to deal with. It’s common, and yet most women feel ashamed of having it. We often forget that we just grew and delivered a little human inside of us and our hormones are completely out of whack – but of course they are!
I was definitely ashamed. I wouldn’t even admit that I might have PPD except that I started to feel like I needed help. Counting to 10 wasn’t doing it any more…even though I didn’t want to hurt my kids, I did think sometimes about terrible things that had to do with myself. Mostly, I just hated myself a lot. I would get snippy and raise my voice, which is not the type of mother I want to be, and then I would realize what I did and feel terrible. Then the guilt would set in, and that just started the whole cycle over.
Once I admitted to a group of local moms and to my husband that I thought I had PPD, I actually felt better. The weight of my “secret” was off of my shoulders. I could ask for advice and help. Then a (certified) midwife gave me some suggestions for supplements I could take and told me that a lot of times, PPD has more to do with deficiencies in the body. That sounded reasonable, so I thought it would be a good idea. If anything, I could use more vitamins, as I’m a nursing mother after all.
Since starting the supplements (a multivitamin, b complex, d3 and fish oil), I have noticed a marked difference. Even my husband says there is a difference on days that I take the supplements late…maybe that’s just his way of calling me crabby! ;) It’s helping, and my head feels like it is pulling out of a fog. I am returning to interests I couldn’t handle making time for, because when the PPD hit a peak, I fully admit that anything not immediately important kind of got shoved to the back burner really fast. I had to focus on my family and finding an inner balance in myself.
I’m still working through the depression. I have a feeling I will be for a little while yet, because guilt is a huge factor and I do feel guilty for nearly everything lately, even buying a cute diaper. Still, I’m feeling better now and I’m a little more okay with embracing the world.
I hope to blog again. I love blogging and I’ve been doing it for over 10 years now. (Wow, that just blows my mind!) I don’t think I’m going to force myself to write about any one thing, though. I just want to write, and I want to get to where I feel comfortable hitting “Publish” again and then I’ll go from there.
But I have missed this place.